Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
