All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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