his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
