hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
