next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
