Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
