u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
