I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
