my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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