he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Semen is not good for contacts.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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