Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
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You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
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if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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