Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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