i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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