Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
