Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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