So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
