I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
