come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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