New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
My ass is underappreciated
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
