Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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