4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
