and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
