Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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