also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
