if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
