Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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