My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
