3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Randomize