Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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