new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
