you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
All I want is dick and wine.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
