im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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