I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
