Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
