Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
