jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
