She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
