Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Acid is not a monday night drug
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
