Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
