Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
