This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
You are the jesus of drinking
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Randomize
