i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
They left me at home... I'm a liability
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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