I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
