I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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