Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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