My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
not ubering you a puppy
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
