so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
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Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
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He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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