just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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