My sheets look like a crime scene.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
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He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
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You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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