:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
