I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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