before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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