a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
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