My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
God gave him joint rollers for hands
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
