New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
