Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
