I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
