Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
i think im in europe. pls send help
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
